Kind, But Not Nice

What I Learned About Love, Honesty, and Expectation From the Women Who Raised Me

I’m kind, but I’m not nice.

I had the great privilege of spending my early childhood in an environment that was somewhere between Full House, Family Matters, and The Golden Girls - but make it Black. After my mother’s divorce, we moved to Indianapolis and began living with my mother’s aunt. (My mother’s own mother died while she was still in high school, so my great aunt always showed up for my mother in I, in a way that honored her late sister.) Not long after, my mom’s cousin and her two daughters moved into a house directly across the street from us. Holidays and school breaks often meant my grandfather, great grandfather, other aunts, uncles, and cousins joined us. In those early years, I was surrounded by a lot of family, mostly women, from multiple generations.

My great aunts and uncles were southern folk, born in Shelbyville, Tennessee. They had that southern style of touch love where their insults dripped with honey. They pulled no punches, believing that it was an act of care to tell you about yourself before the world did.

Some of my cousins were hurt by their bluntness, but I came to appreciate the honesty behind such comments as, "Ain't you gonna comb your hair?” or, “Where’s your earrings? You look like a little boy.”

However biting their comments could be, these women would sacrifice everything they had to make sure my mother, my cousins, or I never went without. They were faith guided people who believed service to others came before church. That your life and your actions were the truest testament to your faith, far more important than quoting scripture and preaching at others.

In this way, the women who raised me were kind, but not always nice. They weren’t overly concerned with sparing our feelings; they were concerned with holding us accountable to values and to the greatness they believed we were capable of. Their sharp words came when they felt we were falling short of that potential. Rarely gentle, they demanded that we raise up and meet their expectations.